I think 2013 will be my year. I have almost accepted myself and come to the point where I have accepted I need to change a few things. Going back to therapy has opened my eyes that things are wrong with me. I have always known there have been issues but now that I have waded through the muck to get to the core of my issues.
It is a long standing belief that being gay is not a choice and I believe that… But I think part of me clings to the fact that maybe I can be straight if this whole gay thing “doesn’t work out.” Foolish, yes. Stupid, of course. Realistic… Maybe.
As gay as I am at times, part of me doesn’t want this lifestyle. I want to be “normal” and accepted. Once I come out as gay I can’t go back in the closet and say, ‘hey, just kidding.’ No, it doesn’t quite work like that. I can’t be a fair weather gay. But I’m afraid once I come out I am locked in for life as this… Thing. This lesbian. I won’t be normal and I won’t be okay. I have been holding back and waiting for someone worthwhile to come all the wa out of the closet for but I think the fact I am still gaurded with my gayness is what is preventing me from finding love. Maybe it shows on my face that I’m scared. Maybe they think I won’t be in it fr the long haul. But I am, I am… I’m just afraid.
I like to be liked and I like to be accepted. I don’t like to rock the boat. My dad doesn’t officially know I’m a lesbian although I’m sure he has an idea. I just don’t want him to hate me for who I am. He has been a lifelong republican and we all know they hate the gays. I just want t love and be loved and find a sweet lady to settle down with. Yeah, perhaps it’s not the standard 2.5 kids and beefcake husband but that’s not what would make me happy. I want a family and I want to be in love. Is that so much to ask?
I like to consider myself a generally good person. I’m nice and I listen. I keep a wall up to prevent people from hurting me but I think it also prevents people from getting in and truly caring about me. I’m broken. Afraid to hurt. Afraid to love. But wanting it so much. I need to tear down the walls within myself that hard holding me back from myself.
I need more confidence and more assertiveness. I need to stand up for what I want and tell that person what I need. I want to tell people how I feel and I want someone to care. I am not very forward with my feelings and maybe that’s another problem. I spend all my time denying myself what I want and wanting you to like me that my own needs fall by the wayside… And also I stick around too long being “nice” and we know that really benefits no one.
So basically I need to love myself. I need to be myself. I need to stop hiding behind this illusion that I am not a lesbian. Maybe that acceptance of myself will lead to universal acceptance and a flurry of “I knew it’s”… But still I am afraid. This is who I am. This is it. Whether or not I want it, this is the hand I was dealt.
It has been 31 years. I need to love me so some wonderful lady can see that I deserve it. I deserve love and I have so much I can give as well.