A Daily Reminder That Everything is Amazing

Everything is amazing and nobody's happy – Louis C.K.

Torture Thy Name is Myself

I like the way it hurts.

But I don’t, really. I hate the pain, constant as it may be… Like a second skin. An exoskeleton, even, of hurt and damage.

I’d like to go a day without being inundated with ANTs. Automatic negative thoughts. Things that fuck with my psyche. When I know how I’m supposed to feel and even know what I feel there’s still something there stopping me. Making me think these things I don’t want to think about. Hurtin me. Making me worry. Making me sad.

I don’t want to be sad. I’m tired of being tired of being sad.

I’m over you. I’m not. I’m over you. Am I not? I know I am but I’m not. Or am I? If I was then I wouldn’t care, would I? Nothing would be an issue. Shouldn’t care where, when or how you live your life. But I allow it to consume me because I never got to. I was ok until I had a taste of your evil spell now I can’t shake free.

The following lyrics seem to resonate with me right now…

You tell all the boys “No”
Makes you feel good, yeah.
I know you’re out of my league
But that won’t scare me away, oh, no

You’ve carried on so long,
You couldn’t stop if you tried it.
You’ve built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I’m gonna try.

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

In other news I’m going through another bout of tattoo therapy. Finished the ribs… Now gonna fix up the fixer upper and planning the next one. I think I was in just a dark a place when I got a bunch of tattoos before. Good or bad, they help.

I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.

If I were more inspired I would have more to say, but instead I’m without words to summarize all the stupid hang ups in my head.

Even if I work through everything am I going to be able to change recurring behaviors that I haven’t been able to shake? I’m facing a major obstacle soon and need to grow the fuck up when it comes to it. I only get so many chances in life and I can’t keep losing my shit.

I know certain people themselves are not real triggers but they trigger things in me that need to be addressed… And after addressed… Suppressed or handled somehow. I know exactly what it is. And I do it every time but fuck.

Fuck.

I have started phasing people out of my social life, knowing if they’re a part of things I will just keep spiraling. The button pushers, the bitches, the fake friends. Who needs them? I can push my own buttons, thank you very much.

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