A Daily Reminder That Everything is Amazing

Everything is amazing and nobody's happy – Louis C.K.

Dickbags and Assbags: The World of Fake Friendships, Part 1 (a rant)

Deep. What is deep? And what constitutes deep when it comes to friendships.

Don’t be that guy. We all have that one friend… or friends… that are self-serving assholes. Why call them friends then? Good question. Don’t.

First order of business in a post about friendships is to clarify one thing. In speaking of besties a few entries ago I omitted two people – Mathenylicious (the Texas BFF) and Emily! (the DC BFF)… So, apologies. 😉

Now that that’s sorted, lets get back to business. The order of friends vs acquaintances. A few months back, I had a conversation with Hot Mandy about friends vs acquaintances. I think we’re all a little too quick to regard people as “friends” – not everyone is your friend.

Not everyone is a princess. Someone has to clap when they arrive.

I got all fast and loose with my talking to people about my shit and realize I need to bring it closer to my heart if I ever want to make it out of things unscathed.

There are these people though… the toxic people… that are just terrible assholes. The ones who make everything about themselves. The ones that are so fake you can see it miles away.

It takes a special kind of dickbag to transform something into a conversation about them that was never meant to be in the first place. Yea, you love yourself. Great. But you come across as a self serving piece of shit. Nobody cares about you or your life. No one cares when you suddenly pretend to have found God for the sake of making your stupid ass sound more prophetic. #blessed #ingodshands You know what? Fuck you. You’re stupid. You’re pretentious.

These people are often in tandem with the fake friends. The assbags that don’t really care. They ask how you are but don’t care to listen to the answer. They just like laughing at your issues. They preface fake condolences with the saccharine sentiment “sorry, friend” but are you really? You know what I don’t need to listen to you either. You’re out for you.

There’s the button pushers who mention things and say all the wrong things to exacerbate situations. To all of you, shut up. I’ll keep to myself. I guess that’s why you need to pat my head after a social day cuz I “did good in there” – no. I’m an introvert you stupid sonnovabitch. I don’t live for or thrive in GROSSLY social situations.


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