An Open Letter to Love
So here we are again. This looks like a familiar place I have been before. You didn’t do it to me this time, I did it to myself. I got my hopes up and thought maybe just this once I could get what I want. Not what I want, what I deserve. Or, at the very least, what I think I deserve.
When we met things seemed to go well. Conversation flowed liked water in the Niagra. Minutes turned to hours, turned to being out so late on a school night, but what a night it was. We had so much in common. Everything. It seemed so ideal, but what happened? Maybe it was you. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was both of us. It wasn’t meant to be, but for an instant it seemed like it could go on forever.
It continued for awhile, stagnant but steady and I had hopes and feelings. There was something I couldn’t put my fingers on. Something that stirred in me. I felt for you what I hadn’t felt for anyone before. So stupid of me to think it would actually come to fruition. This beautiful thing in front of me, as if the feelings would ever be reciprocated.
We went back and forth almost like a game. Leading me on, but never actually giving me any hope. It all went to my head, this hopeless hope and wishful wish that you wanted me as much as I did you. A kiss. A hug. To feel you against me I longed for every time we were together, but I never knew if you felt the same. I wasted all this time. I soiled all this energy. I poured it into the abyss of my heart. I wanted to scream to you what I felt, but it came out more as a whisper inside my own head. I couldn’t tell you what I felt and that is what makes it so sad.
Chances are nothing would have ever come of it but the what ifs haunt me. What ifI had stepped it up. What if I wanted to show you my affections in all the ways I wish I could. What if I was able to tell you how beautiful I thought you were. Right to your face. Not like a coward.
I don’t deserve you. You deserve someone who will tell you a thousand times over, without hesitation, how beautiful you are. Someone who will take your sweet face in their hands and hold it gently, kissing you… Softly at first but then when more aggression. The boiling passion from beneath the surface. You deserve someone who treats you right and doesn’t second guess every instance or hesitate at every moment. Someone who loves themself as much as they adore you.
You’re special. That’s all there is to it, and so am I. One day I’ll see in myself the greatness I ever so briefly knew was possible to feel when we were together. Together… It’s almost a joke. There was never a period of togetherness. But now you can have everything you deserve and leave me behind. I don’t deserve you. No part of you. To me you are amazing. You are perfect. Beautiful and kind and sweet and wonderful. No wonder it was one sided. Why would you want someone like me, so incapable of self love I could never, for a moment, express any true feelings.
Now you’re gone and here I remain. At the crossroads of another failure and an imminent disappointment. You never did anything wrong and that is why I can’t hate you. You listened. You cared. But why? Why, god dammit. Why can’t I have you? What can I do besides move on.
I fear not being able to feel. Not being able to love… Myself or others. It’s been an uphill road all myself to love myself but every day I can only wake up to the reasons that make me miserable. My failings. My shortcomings. My heart is full of so much love to give but I guard it. I want to give it to someone. Show someone I am capable of all the affections and love I feel for them.
But I’m afraid. Afraid what will happen to expose everything that’s inside me. Every dagger that has pierced my broken heart laid bare for someone to see. Would they stay? Would they hold me and love me and tell me it would be okay. Right now, I don’t think so. But banking on someone else is a sure sign for failure.
So I need to take time for myself. To love myself. While I missed my chance with you, I knew it was never there. But my heart still tingles and my feelings still get wishy washy… And I hate it. I wish you happiness, I do. Even though right now I can’t say it and think I don’t mean it, but I do. A damaged soul like me would hold you back. I need to heal. I need to be loved. By me. Not you. You never will.