Just Want to Be Happy…
So every few months I am due for a breakthrough. Or a breakdown. One of the two…. but regardless, something breaks and needs fixing. Much like my Batmobile needs constant maintenance so does my life.
Right now, things are slowly trudging along. The continuation to what started out as a shitty, shitty year. “I have had my share of sand kicked in my face and I’ve come through…” So far.
To rehash my life’s misery, I’m still unemployed (but temping) and still trying to maintain an air of happiness, but it’s hard to do with a permanent scowl.
I’d have to say things the only consistency in my life is my own sadness. If I didn’t have that, what would keep me warm on the cold winter nights. Yes ma’ams and sirs, nothing quite like deep seeded depression to be the perpetual +1.
I’m not sad, per se. I’d just say something is broken. There’s a switch in my head I can’t flip. Years of therapy have made me aware of this switch but I haven’t come far enough in my own healing to figure out how to switch it off.
Automatic negative thoughts, worry. Plus I don’t like a lot of things. Maybe I’m just coming more comfortable in my own skin. Unapologetically shooting down plans I know I won’t like. It makes me come off as a curmudgeon, introvert and, probably, a hater… But why am I going to do something I know will make me miserable?
I also realize that while talking to people about my issues is healthy it is a very personal thing… and instead of polling the masses, I need to start bringing it back within myself. Some people don’t give good advice. Someone people don’t care. Some people just like to watch the world burn.
There are a few people in my arsenal I hold near and dear to my “heart” – I use the term loosely, since it is yet to be scientifically proven I have one. (har har)…
I’d say the 3 caballeros in my life are Kmoy (obvs), Diane (duh) and Muffs – honorable mention to Harlow. He and I don’t really talk about feelings, but I know he’s there. Each brings a unique perspective to my problem and doesn’t purposely say the things they know will send me into a spiral of misery. They say you are most like the 5 people you spend the most time with and I’m glad to be like the folks I mentioned above. 5th place goes to Bruce and Ellie, since I’m an introvert and love to be at home with my cats.
I am not slighting any other friends in my life. I appreciate and adore you all in your own ways… But there are some people who have said all the wrong things to me, cuz I have let them. I have encouraged it. I need to start taking accountability for my own feelings and actions.
I need to unstick myself. I need to be able to be around people that make me feel unhappy. I need to face down the trigger and rise above it. I need to be OK with whatever it is in my head that makes me want to cry, or bitch or complain and come out a better person on the end.
I’m pretty easy-going, I’d like to think, but when threatened I can and will become a mega-bitch. It’s a defense mechanism. I will be mean. I will make digs and I won’t feel bad. And that is terrible.
I wish I could get out of my own way and out of my own head and just be okay with people and life. I’m jealous of people who can go through life and just be smooth sailing and cool with everything. When nothing bothers them, or seems to.
I just want to be happy. I just want the storm cloud that surrounds me to rise up and leave. I want bright eyes and clarity. I want to not care about every little thing and not worry about every damn situation. I want my feelings to get out of the way and I want the worry to subside. I want to be happy. For once.
Also, a job would be nice.