A Daily Reminder That Everything is Amazing

Everything is amazing and nobody's happy – Louis C.K.

Emptiness

Emptiness. Ironically it is the one thing that fills me up. That, of course, and depression, anxiety and obsession.

I wish I could fill my emptiness up with something more meaningful like love. Instead I fill the pit with obsessive thoughts about loss. Things I couldn’t have. Things I will never have. Things I shouldn’t have.

I try and be so cavalier about things. Letting people think I’m okay when, in reality, I am crying inside. I should just let the tears out before they billow up and implode like a mushroom cloud of depression. I need to deal with my demons before they manifest themselves in reality as a terrible, victimized version of myself.

I’m not happy. I’m not, but only because I don’t want myself to be. I won’t let myself be this smiling, positive person because I wouldn’t recognize her. Who am I if not the martyr?

What’s wrong with me? I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t. I don’t want to be miserable and self loathing and dwell on the past. I carry everything that has ever happened to me on my back like the weight of the world and yet, I’m the only one who can see and feel this burden.

Things could be so much worse, but my worst feelings are my own and there’s no way to explain that to someone who doesn’t take a pill to make themselves happy. For all my medications, shouldn’t I be coasting through life with a smile on my face? Not crying in my living room with two candles, a bottle of Jack and a kitchen knife wondering if someone will care enough to stop me from doing something stupid.

At present, my forearm has haphazard scratches from weak attempts at cutting. It did nothing, if it momentarily refocus my pain from the inside out. This way you can see inside me. You can see the pain and then maybe it will sink in. I am not okay. I’m not.

I don’t think I want to die. I can’t be sure though. It’s a permanent but temporary solution all in one. Yes, I won’t have to deal with my shit any more, but is it really worth it. Is there something around the bend that I need to wait around for. Something positive, hopeful and beautiful that I can’t see through my clouded glasses. I wouldn’t know, of course, if I wasn’t alive, but sometimes it seems like the way to go. You’d miss me of course, but would you? I’m a shell of a person. A shell of something that could be so much more.

I don’t let anyone in and when I do I always end up getting fucked over. Not always, but it seems like it. I don’t like telling people how I feel or what I’ve been through because I don’t want to burden anyone with the pain of knowing who I really am and how fucked up I may actually be. If I keep it superficial…. jokes, smiles and nothing serious then I seem whole and have something to offer. I can be a plenty good time if you don’t bother unloading the baggage of my mind. But I want to unload. I want someone to care. I want to feel like someone will take it on and take me on and tell me everything will be okay, because right now it doesn’t seem that way.

I’m miserable and crying over nothing, literally nothing. Petty problems that mean nothing in the scheme of things. Petty realizations that I don’t mean what I want to mean to people but that’s my cross to bare. My burden.

But why can’t I just be happy. Why can’t i make it through the day with a smile and not want to stay in bed or cry. Maybe happiness isn’t all it’s cracked u to be, but I want to be able to make up my own mind on the matter.

I have some truly amazing friends, that much I will say. Welfare checks in the morning after a miserable night. I appreciate the ones that care enough to give a damn and to help me hold the reigns of this runaway train I call my life. I can’t always say it because it would mean letting my guard down, but I care. I do.

Maybe I’m not ready for love, but I look at it as unfair that everyone else is. But they are not me. They have overcome their own issues. Why should I take everything personally and let other people affect how I feel about me. I need to be happy first and that doesn’t mean bringing other people to my level to get there. It means letting people go who bring nothing to my table but sadness and misery. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to people to find out what they really mean to you and if you meant anything to then. Don’t hold onto people who can live without you.

I live my life as an apology. I’m sorry for taking your time. I’m sorry for being a mess. I’m sorry for being this way. I’m sorry for me. But I’m not. I’m not sorry. I just want to be loved and I don’t know how. I’m so broken on the inside I feel like love just doesn’t fit into the equation any more.

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One thought on “Emptiness

  1. rozezandangelz on said:

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