I laid there in the dingy motel room on top of a creaking bed with blankets so cheap they left chafe marks on the skin. I was staring up at the ceiling as I had been doing since she left. She didn’t so much leave as she did storm out without so much as a “Fuck you!” flung in my direction as she slammed the door.
Perfectly still I laid there, concentrating on each breath as my chest rose and fell. The ceiling was cracked and stained, which, the more I thought about it, was awfully similar to the current status of my heart. How can your heart be broken by someone you never even loved? Someone who, surely, never loved you. In fact, someone who barely tolerated you.
I rolled onto my side and curled into the fetal position. My eyes stared blankly towards the window. The shades were pulled down but I could make out vague shadows of people passing by. Everyone else was going about their own business. Living. Here I was, like a sorry ass bitch, laying in a dirty motel bed on the sheets that I had just fucked the love of my life on. Now she was gone and I remained to ruminate about how I had gone about things all wrong.
There had always been something about her. She had dark, chocolate brown eyes and a beautiful crooked smile. Her eyebrows were always perfectly contoured and she had a subtle piercing in her nose. He hair was long and flowing, a deep brown like her eyes. There was something about the way she looked when she tied it back into a simple ponytail that made her look so naturally beautiful.
It seemed like just moments ago she was there with me. Underneath me. Kissing me so passionately. I could feel her body tremble every time I touched her. The energy shot through my body from my heart straight into her. She writhed on the bed and grabbed my ass. She pulled me down onto her, refusing to stop kissing me even for a moment.
But now she was gone. No explanation what I had done or how I could fix it. She just stormed out and left me here to wallow. I was grieving the loss of her. The loss of love and the loss of the one person who had ever, truly, made me feel whole.
I rolled back onto my back with a lethargic sigh and waited. Just waited. To the right of my head was a bottle of pills . An empty bottle. Next to that another empty bottle. Jim Beam, my old friend. As my eyes grew heavy I could feel the drugs kicking in. I loosened every muscle in my body as I prepared to die. I welcomed it. It was one decision in my life no one could take away.